Hey Paesan!
Episode 1: Sunday Dinner
A Day The Music Died Production
© Thomas Joseph Pellegrini
Cast Of Characters
Vito Paesano
Border
Johnson
Anthony Paesano – Father of Vito
Theresa Paesano – Mother of Vito
Old Balls Berkowski – Teacher
School Doctor – School Doctor
[Friday morning: inside the Paesano home]
Anthony Paesano: hey yo, Vito!
Vito Paesano: minchia dad, no need to yell I’m right here.
Anthony Paesano: go down to the basement, your mother wants to talk to you.
Vito Paesano: (walks downstairs, enters basement) Hi mom, dad says you wanna talk to me?
Theresa Paesano: yes Vito, I wanna talk to you about Sunday.
Vito Paesano: Sunday? Are we not going to church on Sunday?
Theresa Paesano: of course we’re going to church Sunday. I wanted you to invite your friends to church with us and then back here for dinner.
Vito Paesano: what? You want me to invite Border and Johnson to church and then here for dinner on Sunday?
Theresa Paesano: yes Vito.
Vito Paesano: minchia mom, you feeling okay?
Theresa Paesano: hey! You speak like that to me again and I’m gonna smack your face!
Vito Paesano: yes mom, I’m sorry.
Theresa Paesano: now go to school and be a good boy.
Vito Paesano: (walks upstairs, enters main floor of house) hey dad, you won’t believe this.
Anthony Paesano: what won’t I believe Vito?
Vito Paesano: mom wants me to invite Border and Johnson to church and then here for dinner on Sunday?
Anthony Paesano: minchia! Is she feeling okay?
Vito Paesano: don’t let her hear you say that dad. Well, I’m off to school now.
Anthony Paesano: hey yo Vito! (Vito turns and looks at his dad) learn as much as you can and remember…NEVER RAT ON YOUR FRIENDS!
Vito Paesano: yes dad. See ya later.
[Vito exits house. Border and Johnson are outside on stoop]
Vito Paesano: hey Border, hey Johnson.
Border and Johnson: (at same time) Hey Paesan!
Johnson: can I ask you a question Vito?
Vito Paesano: sure Johnson.
Johnson: do you not know where you live?
Border: yeah Vito, do you not know where you live?
Vito Paesano: SHUT UP BORDER! What kind of stupid question is that Johnson?
Johnson: well, why does your shirt say Bensonhurst on it?
Vito Paesano: this shirt happens to be a Bensonhurst special!
Johnson: what exactly is a Bensonhurst special?
Border: yeah Vito, what exactly is a Bensonhurst special?
Vito Paesano: SHUT UP BORDER! Bensonhurst is a place where fellow paesans live.
Johnson: why don’t people like me live there?
Vito Paesano: because it’s for Italians!
Border : I think I can pass for an Italian.
Johnson: hell no you can’t home slice!
Vito Paesano: that’s right Border, you’re just an alien! This isn’t even your planet!
Border: why don’t you guys bite me!
Johnson and Vito Paesano: (at same time) no thanks, we don’t eat Mexican.
Border: (under his breath) hate you guys![one block from school – approaching much flava candy store]
Vito Paesano: I almost forgot! Listen guys, my mom asked me to invite you guys to church on Sunday.
Border and Johnson: (looking confused at each other) church?
Vito Paesano: that’s right, church. Then back to our house for Sunday dinner.
Johnson: dinner? free food? I’m there!
Border: I’m there as well.
Vito Paesano: SHUT UP BORDER!
Johnson: check it out guys, it’s the candy store.
Vito Paesano: so what Johnson, you never have any money.
Border: that’s right Johnson, you never have any money.
Vito Paesano: SHUT UP BORDER!
Johnson: I don’t need money to look around and dream of having all that candy.
Border: you’re up to no good Johnson.
Vito Paesano: you’re gonna steal candy aren’t you?
Johnson: why would you guys think that?
Border: because you never have any money.
Vito Paesano: and umm, because you’re a thief.
Johnson: THE HELL WITH YOU BOTH! Now I’m gonna steal just for that. If I get caught, it’s your faults!
[inside much flava candy store]
(Vito, Border, and Johnson enter in this order)
Vito Paesano: (turns to Johnson) if you’re gonna steal anything I don’t know you.
Border: (standing behind Johnson) yeah man, I don’t know you either.
Johnson and Vito Paesano: (at the same time) SHUT THE FUCK UP BORDER!
Johnson: fine then, I’m gonna go steal me a snickers bar.
Border and Vito Paesano: (give a look of whatever to each other and go their own ways)
Vito Paesano: hey Border, have you noticed that Johnson is becoming more and more ghetto by the day?
Border: what’s ghetto?
Vito Paesano: minchia! JUST SHUT UP BORDER!
Johnson: (slowly pacing the aisles looking for the snickers bars) (talking to himself aloud) “this damn store better have my damn snickers bars or I’m gonna start some serious static up in here! oh damn, I can’t start static because I have no money. screw it, I’ll steal a chunky then!”
Border: (browsing the gum aisle) yo Vito, come here man!
Vito Paesano: where are you Border?
Border: gum aisle.
Vito Paesano: what’s up Border? Why do you need me over here?
Border: check out this pack of gum, it’s psychedelic!
Vito Paesano: It’s friggin fruit stripe! They didn’t have fruit stripe gum where you’re from?
Border: no, they only had Dentyne.
Vito Paesano: that’s so gay!
Border: yes, it’s so gay.
Vito Paesano: SHUT UP BORDER!
Johnson: (thinking to himself) oh snap! Are those snickers bars I see? I’m so stealing a snickers bar!
[Border and Vito Paesano leave gum aisle and enter aisle where Johnson is placing a snickers bar into his pocket]
Vito Paesano: yo Johnson! What the hell are doing?
Johnson: I’m getting me a snickers bar like I said. So take your Bensonhurst shirt wearing ass outta here!
Vito Paesano: Fine! But if you get us banned from much flava I’m never hangin’ with you again you broke dick!
[Vito Paesano and Border exit much flava with Johnson trailing several yards behind]
Border: hey Vito, what do you think of my cargo pants?
Vito Paesano: I think they’re cool, I like all of the pockets they have.
Border: how about my shoes?
Vito Paesano: boat shoes don’t go with those pants. You need a pair of decks. Minchia those shoes are ugly!
Border: yes, decks. These shoes are ugly!
Vito Paesano: SHUT THE UP BORDER!
Johnson: yo guys, check it out. BJH is up ahead, I can see it.
Vito Paesano: I can’t believe we are going to be part of what goes on inside of Brooklyn Junior High.
Johnson: this is gonna be some adventure homeboys.
Border: yes, it’s gonna be an adventure. Like the one that my parents took me on to get into America.
Vito Paesano: your family broke into America Border! That ‘s why the alien police are looking for you.
Border: no they’re not!
Vito Paesano: how much you wanna bet?
Johnson: I’ll bet my snickers bar.
Vito Paesano: you can’t bet with stolen candy you broke dick!
Johnson: says who?
Border: SHUT UP GUYS! Look, we’re here.
[Vito Paesano, Border, and Johnson standing outside of the schools main entrance. Above them a banner reads: WELCOME TO BROOKLYN JUNIOR HIGH!]
Vito Paesano: let’s do this guys, let’s get to class.
Johnson: what room are we in?
Border: my schedule says room zero.
Vito Paesano: so does mine! Can this be right? There’s a room zero and the three of us are in it?
Johnson: check it out, here it is…room zero.
[the boys enter classroom and sit side by side in front row]
[door opens and an old man enters and greets the class]
(good morning boys and girls)
(class responds with a good morning)
(my name is Mr. Berkowski)
Vito Paesano: more like Old Balls Berkowski
Johnson: that is so funny! And true.
Border: yes, he is Old Balls Berkowski.
Vito Paesano and Johnson: (whispering) SHUT UP BORDER!
Old Balls Berkowski: class, today we are going to learn about…OH MY GOD, SOMEONE GET HELP!
Vito Paesano: minchia! Is Old Balls dying?
Johnson and Border: (at same time) what do we do?
(Classmates in background – inaudible mumbling taking place)
Vito Paesano: wait for the school doctor I guess.
[School doctor enters classroom and looks down at body]
School Doctor: this man is dead!
Vito Paesano: MINCHIA!
Johnson: THIS CAN'T BE GOOD!
Border: oh no, the alien police are going to think I did it!
[A voice is heard over the loudspeaker]
(All of the students from room zero are dismissed for the day due to the death of Mr. Berkowski)
Vito Paesano: let’s get outta here guys, looks like we’re going home early.
[As boys are about to exit the building, the school bell rings and Border takes off running]
Johnson: yo Border, come back! Why you running? Damn Vito, Border took off like a tamale outta hell! What’s up with that?
Vito Paesano: he does that all the time.
Johnson: why?
Vito Paesano: anytime he hears bells or whistles he thinks the alien police are coming after him so he runs away. So for now on if anyone asks, he does that all the time.
Johnson: cool.
Vito Paesano: guess I’ll see you Sunday for church and then dinner.
Johnson: how about tomorrow?
Vito Paesano: Saturdays I like to stay home and sharpen my Madden skills.
Johnson: that’s cool, see ya Sunday bro.
[ Sunday morning outside of the Paesano home – Border and Johnson knock on the door]
[Theresa Paesano, Anthony Paesano, and Vito Paesano exit home]
Anthony Paesano: you must be friggin’ kiddin’ me!
Vito Paesano: how Mexican can you get?
Theresa Paesano: it’s not nice to make fun of others you two.
Border: what’s wrong?
Vito Paesano: what’s wrong? Well, let’s see. You’re wearing a tank top with beige dickies work pants and Chinese slippers!
Border: so?
Vito Paesano: so? so you’re going to be entering a church, not a wrestling ring to compete in a lucha libre match!
Theresa Paesano: that will be enough of that Vito!
Vito Paesano: wow Johnson, you look great! How’d you get such a fine Italian suit?
Johnson: it just fell into my hands you can say.
Theresa Paesano: you look very nice Johnson.
Johnson: thank you Mrs. Paesano.
Anthony Paesano: (arm around Vito) you know what son, at least you have one friend who knows how to dress for church.
Vito Paesano: you’re right dad, one out of two ain’t bad.
Theresa Paesano: everyone in the car, we must get good seats up front so god can see us.
[Car starts and pulls away heading for church]
[Italian music plays on car radio and everyone sits in silence]
[Car pulls into church parking lot and everyone exits car]
Theresa Paesano: let’s go to the front of the church and wait for the Spanish mass to exit.
Border: (thinking to himself) Spanish mass? Why wasn’t I told about this? Are the Paesano’s gonna have me whacked at this mass? SHUT UP BORDER! You’re just paranoid. Vito is your friend!
Johnson: (thinking to himself) Spanish mass? Why is there no black mass? Is this a no blacks allowed church? Is this church prejudice against blacks? Is this gonna be a sacrifice the black kid mass? Can’t be, Vito is my friend. He wouldn’t want me to die. At least I think he wouldn’t.
[Church empties out – Theresa, Anthony, Vito, Border, and Johnson enter church and seat themselves in the front row]
Theresa Paesano: (thinking to herself) this church is so beautiful. I love you God. Wash away all of my sins on this day. To you I pray.
Anthony Paesano: minchia, I can go for a big plate of baked clams and a big bowl of ravioli right about now. Also, an ice cold beer to wash it all down.
Vito Paesano: (thinking to himself) this could not be more boring! Am I even awake right now? Am I dreaming that I am here? Why is that priest looking at me like that? Is it because I have a Mexican and a black next to me? Have I committed a sin? Minchia, I sure can go for a canoli right about now.
Border: (thinking to himself) is this a set up? Is the priest really the leader of the alien police? Are there others backstage? What’s gonna happen to me? I feel like running out of here, but I have to keep my cool. Can’t make things obvious, maybe they haven’t noticed me. Please God, don’t let them notice me.
Johnson: (thinking to himself) I can’t wait for that free food. I wonder if the Paesano’s are gonna have fried chicken and watermelon at their dinner. Do Italians eat that? Are they allowed to have that on Sunday? Who am I kidding? I’m gonna eat anything that’s put in front of me.
[Mass ends with priest saying may you all go in peace]
[The Paesano’s, Border, and Johnson exit church and enter car which is headed to the Paesano home]
[Car pulls into driveway and everyone exits car]
[All enter through the side door of the home and single file they walk down the stairs into the basement]
Theresa Paesano: Vito, you and your friends should play some Madden while we wait for the rest of the family to arrive.
Vito Paesano: how many of them are coming over?
Theresa Paesano: twenty five.
Anthony Paesano: I’ll set up the table and chairs.
[A long table with thirty chairs around it is set up and there is a knock at the side door]
[One by one the rest of the Paesano family walks down the stairs entering the basement]
Johnson: hey Border
Border: yeah Johnson?
Johnson: do you think we’re gonna live through this?
Border: I hope so. Just keep your head down and eat.
Johnson: good idea!
Theresa Paesano: okay everyone, let’s all sit down and eat.
[Everyone sits at the table and large platters of food are on the table along with red and white wine, beer, soda, and plenty of Italian bread]
[Johnson is seated across from Anthony Paesano and Johnson has a large amount of food on his plate]
Anthony Paesano: MINCHIA JOHNSON! You gonna finish all of that?
Johnson: yes sir.
Anthony Paesano: god bless you Johnson, you eat like you have six assholes! Hey, you know what? For now on I’m gonna call you six assholes.
Johnson: (thinking to himself) you’re the asshole cracker!
Johnson: that’s cool sir.
Vito Paesano: mom, dad? Why is my first cousin sitting at the table in his underwear?
Anthony Paesano: His father says that his suit was here out on the clothesline after your mother cleaned it and last night it was stolen!
[Panning around table stopping on Johnson]
[Johnson is flashing back to the night before when he stole a fine Italian suit off of the Paesano clothesline]
Border: you better tell them Johnson
Johnson: SHUT UP BORDER!
Vito Paesano: I knew that suit couldn’t have been yours you broke dick! You stole my cousin’s suit off of our clothesline?
[Everyone at table stops what they’re doing, they all stand with angry looks on their faces towards Johnson]
Johnson: (in a very loud voice) HEY PAESAN!
THE END
Created by:
Thomas Joseph Pellegrini
Jon-Paul D’orazio
Dennis Morrelli
Creative consultants:
Thomas Joseph Pellegrini
Jon-Paul D’orazio
Dennis Morrelli
Episode written by:
Thomas Joseph Pellegrini
A Day The Music Died Production
© Thomas Joseph Pellegrini
All rights reserved
